Point & Shoot

Steve and I spent the weekend fixing up the outdoor room which involved a trip to Bunnings and several nurseries and pot places. It was nice to get dirty and involve Aidan in all the fun.

Look at those cute little frogs and bunnies... too sweet.

It was beautiful and sunny and Aidan was happy to take it all in and touch the leaves and flowers whilst Steve and I looked for bargains. It was a great way to spend the weekend out and about as a family.

Come and play Point & Shoot @ FatMumSlim

My Place & Yours

I don't usually play these games but since my BFF over @ Hello Owl adopted a "My Place & Yours" I couldn't help myself. The photo above is a self portrait I took on my iPhone to show off my new grey beanie with the cutest crotchet flower, from Kmart of all places. When I was taking the photo I accidentally bumped the iPhone and it smeared and I loooove it.

Another iPhone moment worth sharing. Aidan and I play in bed every morning. We roll and tumble and jump (ok, well he jumps) and tickle and giggle. It's the best part of the day and I couldn't imagine a better way of waking up. I love this one because as much has Aidan looks like Steve, he will always have my eyes and it's unmistakable in this photo.

Go and play, share a piece of yourself @ Hello Owl.

Something New

I've started drawing again, usually late at night when I'm meant to be sleeping. Instead of going to bed and playing Words with Friends (my username is Danimezza if you play) I've been sitting at my desk with the internet off, listening to some tunes and getting some serious use out of my tablet. I'm still getting used to it. I thought the pen would make it easier to control but it's bizarre to be drawing and looking at the screen instead of a piece of paper. I'll adjust eventually.

I was also finding it difficult to get started. I usually began with a shape and then turned the doodle into a sketch. It's a mentally freeing experience but I want to start posting my drawings regularly and needed inspiration. That's why I was so excited when I found "Illustration Friday". This weeks topic is "Brave". I hope to upload a new drawing every weekend so stay tuned.

Worth Every Moment

When I have moments to ponder (like now) I like to think back to how we got here. How we became parents. Aidan is 6 months old now and he didn't exist to us 12 months ago. I only found out I was pregnant because I was randomly sick one morning and Steve suggested I do a test. That man always had more hope than me. I'll always remember sitting on the toilet waiting for the result to appear, then finding it really hard to breath when it did. I remember excitedly looking at the monitor at the gynecologists expecting to see a bean but instead saw a little baby with long arms and legs jiggling about. I was already 13 weeks! Aidan is the happiest shock of my life.

We only had 6 months to prepare for our little man but we'd dreamed of him for so long all the big decisions had already been made. All that was left to do was buy stuff and decorate the nursery, a privilege we were really looking forward to. It's crazy to think that a few months before finding out I was pregnant, we were being referred to IVF. That I'd lost all hope and wanted to forget about the idea of ever being a mum. Instead we would be young and travel and drink lots of tequila.

I was 17 and just graduated high school when I met Steve. He was 23, rebellious and keen to be single. Three months later we knew 'we' were forever. During that time I had my first pap smear and it came back as Cin3. I've seen more Gyno's than GP's. Steve was supportive through it all. When I was 19 we got engaged and started trying for our little family. Every month that passed made me sadder. I was young. Had my Cin3 treatments ruined my chances somehow? I couldn't understand why I wasn't falling so easily like my friends. Because of my age GP's didn't take my concerns seriously and there was nothing obvious to pin-point a problem. Looking back I was very depressed and I still carry a part of that pain with me.

Steve changed jobs and we moved interstate. I had no friends, no job and no baby. So I sunk all my energy into planning our wedding. It was my therapy, my distraction. I spent the next 18 months binge drinking and talking tulle. Denial is bliss but emotionally unproductive. We were married when I was 21 and it was beautiful. Steve and I filled our ceremony with heartfelt words and lots of kisses. Everybody cried. We'd always been each others family but it felt like a piece was missing. A ring and a piece of paper united us forever that day, but a piece of each of us, bonded into one soul was what would really have made us a family and was all we craved.

Things didn't get any better once we were married. I fell deeper into myself. Into my feelings and longing. Into jealousy and hurt. Without the wedding to distract me I felt lost. It got to the point where Steve and I had to have a talk about limiting my meltdowns to once a month. I got one free pass a month but the rest of the time I had to suck it up. It was really hard on him having to be so strong for me when he was hurting and longing too. So I took action. I did my research and contacted one of the leading Gyno/Obs and told him my story. He emailed me back within hours saying he was touched and wanted to help.

That man changed our lives forever.

I went on Reductil for a few months to reduce my weight (emotional eater) but got heart palpitations from it and had to stop. I went on Clomid and had more blood taken than I would like to remember. I wasn't ovulating and he believes I never have. Once we realised the Clomid wasn't working it was time to do an internal investigation. I was scared and nervous. I knew it had to be done but I was sick of everyone messing about down there. I just wanted my 'bits 'to snap out of it and work. I had a laparoscopic surgery when I was 22.

There was so much endometrial tissue that it covered almost everything. Not the worst the doctor had ever seen in his career but definitely for my age. There was no way I would have concieved without the tissue removed. Finally I had the answer. Endometriosis. Finally everything would be ok. Then months later the Gyno said he didn't understand why I wasn't falling pregnant and referred us to Sydney IVF. I felt lost all over again and defeated.

We gave up.
We went on holiday.
We fell pregnant.
... cliche much?

I'm glad Aidan was a surprise. After years of temping, charting, blood tests and counting days on the calendar I never thought I'd ever get that joy. But that was just the start of it. Every moment that Aidan's given us has been joyful. Even on the hard days when he wont sleep or be quiet or he threw up on me for the third time as I tried to leave the house, I had perspective.

A hard day with him is infinitely better than one single day without him.

It's taken 6 years to meet him and I feel blessed to have him in our lives. Our marriage has changed. No longer are we two individuals who promised ourselves to one another, but we're parents. A team. The shoulders upon which Aidan stands. We've become stronger, more understanding and somehow even more in love. The last 6 years have been a journey I wouldn't wish upon anyone but the outcome has been worth every bump in the road. I have a husband that loves me and a son who is my universe. I'm one lucky lady.

Share your journey - Blog This

Pinned in Place

The quilt is actually starting to look like a quilt now. I added a pretty border around the edges (man I hated cutting all those damn little rectangles) then took it to my local quilting lady to give me a hand putting it all together. I bought some cotton batting (with enough left over for another project that I have in the works... I know I'm hopeless) and we clamped it all onto a table nice and tight and began pinning the layers together with special bent quilting safety pins.

I was quite chuffed when we were done and I can't wait until next week when Steve takes Aidan for the afternoon so I can spend it at the quilting shop sewing it all together under the watchful eyes of people who know what they're doing. I'd hate to get this far and screw it up! I'm so excited so keep an eye out next week for the finished product.

Spish, Splosh

I'm getting tired of my own excuses about not going for walks. I get out of the house five out of seven days and usually for about an hour but it's not good enough. I'm kicking my saggy butt into gear. Even contemplating one of these. My goal is small... get out everyday. I'm not talking about going out and doing errands, just a walk for the sake of walking on top of errands. So I bundled up Aidan, grabbed my gorgeous new brolly in my favourite colour and off we went.

Isn't he just adorable. It was so hard to strap him in because all I wanted to do was snuggle him in his little tracksuit and hoodie. Even though he's a little sicky bear at the moment (hence the dummy and "Teddy") I think he really needed the fresh air too and didn't make a peep the whole time we were out. He just sat up wide awake and took it all in.

It had been raining the last couple of days and the gutters were overflowing. It reminded me of my childhood when my sister and I would float little boats down our street during the monsoonal rains where we grew up in the Northern Territory. The boats usually made from small styrofoam meat trays with twigs for masts and leaves for sails. I can't wait to do that sort of thing with Aidan.

Once we got home from our walk we had our bottles and sandwiches and Aidan napped whilst I did yet another load of laundry. When he wakes up from his midday sleep I love to curl up in bed with him and read books and play the "parachute game" with the sheets. Always gets a giggle.

Sometimes rainy days are just the best.

Come check out my guest post over at You, Me & Georgie.

Snot Bubbles

We've had a sick little monster on our hands this past week. It's been taking it's toll on all of us but getting his first cold at 6 months is a pretty good effort so I've just gotta suck it up and keep on keeping on. Despite feeling like crap he's still been a happy baby with a few grumbles here and there. Even his sickly smiles melt my heart. If I could make one wish right now it would be that babies understood the concept of blowing their nose.

Being 6 months old it was time again for his next lot of immunisations. Fun. At least his next lot isn't until he's 12 months old. We met a new GP but we just didn't click so I'm still on the hunt. I'm hoping the planets will align and we find our family GP soon. I know there are great Doctors out there, I just have to find one.

I still can't hold Aidan during his needles. I just can't. After his 8 week needles I'm traumatised. I almost fainted at his 4 month needles and I wasn't holding him and was sitting in a chair. It's the cry, that pain cry that only a mother can fully understand. That cry makes me want to vomit. Steve's a man and sucks it up. He does what needs doing as it's for the best. He's my rock.

After all the pain subsides we have a bottle and a snuggle in his woombie and I watch him fall asleep. We've had a few sleepless nights since then but not overly dramatic, nothing we couldn't handle. Slowly but surely we're getting better at this parenting gig.